can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
