Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Ladies don't puke and tell
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
