If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
