You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
