Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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