Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
