I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize