I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
