Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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