i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm like, not good at living.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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