cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I'm passing your future prison.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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