evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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