Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
