today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
