His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
