Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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