The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
