HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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