There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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