No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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