booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
When did angry sex become our thing?
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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