WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
