You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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