Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
