Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
