I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Randomize
