and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
