I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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