mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
