i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Randomize
