Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize