i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
