hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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