I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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