Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
