Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize