Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
