my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
