I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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