just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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