Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
She's the barista slut.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
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