rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
