It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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