the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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