What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Randomize
