Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
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