I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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