if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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