just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
