im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Is Oprah even human
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
