Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
