her vagina looked like bernie madoff
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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