he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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