I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Randomize
