i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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