Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
