The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
