My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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