This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
There are leaves in my underwear?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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