i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
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