the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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