I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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