My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
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