i don't plan on having that self control this summer
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
