I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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