my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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