I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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